genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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