I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
