so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
