wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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