he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
