Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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