i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize