College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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