i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
