does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
