There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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