The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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