He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
