do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
