You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
We named our party play list daddy issues
handjob tips. give me some.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
