my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
