when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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