Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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