Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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