Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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