i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
