You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize