just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
