you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
