I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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