i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
