Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize