I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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