I just pynch a tree in the face
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
