I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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