My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
