im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
