I accidentally had phone sex last night
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Why is there bacon in the couch?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
