I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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