If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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