i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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