On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
