...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Barsexuality is the new black.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Randomize
