when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
