my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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