I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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