I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
