So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
