I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize