If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I think your dad took our porno
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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