Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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