Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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