never play flip cup with pint glasses
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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