I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
