Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
