Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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