Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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