Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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