Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
