Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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