There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
