everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
