Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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