This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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