I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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