Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
