Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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