The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
