My Higher Power is John Stamos
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We have started to decorate penises.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
