Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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